♥ “When you stop wishing things wouldn't fall apart, you stop suffering when they do.” ♥

Next time the slow days eventually get to the 15th of June I'll be able to say the best day of my life was half a year ago. I cannot and refuse to ever believe this. How can something that I remember so clearly be 6 months ago? Please tell me how that is possible as I would love to know. Half a year it's been since that day I had my first kiss, sat in a fast food with 4 people I barely knew, walked under the christmas lights with my ex feeling completely infinite. And truth is, that really was one of the best not, or even best, days of my life. I can't describe how happy I felt that day because I don't think I've felt so happy since that day. I remember it all even to the point where when I left my boyfriend to walk home, I got halfway up the road (to where he couldn't see me, it was dark anyway) I cried. Real, genuine tears over something that made me so happy, I cried. And from what I know, I'ts very hard to come across something that can make you cry tears of happiness. Yeah, there's wedding and birthdays and getting proposed but when you're a teenager you don't have those things to cry over. I had a night in town with my first boyfriend and some of his friends and that made me cry. That day changed my life and became a day I always wish I could go back too. It's a day I won't forget for a long time yet and one that I'll forever want to happen again. But as we know, you can never go back to the past and thats just a fact. We all spend our lives rethinking and trying to relive the past but I can't actually happen. And although I say all this, you would have to make me pay a lot of money to go back to that day. That day was one day and it won't happen again. I wouldn't ask to ever try and have the same day again because it wouldn't be the same. That day is in my past now and no one can change that. It's sad to know that from here on memories of that day will slowly leave and some day in the future, I might not even remember it. Everything has to move on and especially the person trying to bring memories back. Life was never meant to work like that but it was meant for being able to say a certain day was the best in your life so far. And so I will say it. The 15th of December 2012 was and will be always, the best day of my life so far.
Lulu x

I hope you never forget me. I hope you never regret me.
I don't have a clue where my ex boyfriend is right now. I like that, I think. I don't want him back in a way, I can be whoever I want now- to some extent. I think he still goes to my school although I'm really not sure. I haven't seen him in exactly 2 weeks and it's weird. I thought I saw him yesterday walking into school with his mate but I think that's just me going mad. Then again, I'm not that crazy. But I still can't convince myself I saw him. I'm not sure if I really did. This makes me feel as though I'm going crazy. Can't even recognise the boy you loved for 3 months? Sigh. I don't tend to stare at ex boyfriends though. Anyway, aside from that, I have been reading 'Thirteen Reasons Why' and it's really good. I'm not very far in really but so far it's looking good. Definitely not up there with 'Looking For Alaska' and Harry Potter but still, good. My phone is my bookmark so I kind of have to choose between going on my phone, loosing my page, and reading the book. It's funny. Also, just as an update, I feel so much happier. Only a few weeks ago I was down and to put it straight - slightly depressed. I feel so much better about life now and I know that not everyday will be bad.
It's nice although I do miss the feeling of being sad. Sounds crazy but you get used to a certain kind of sadness.
Lulu x

A fare bits happened since we last spoke. Agreed it was only two days ago (I believe) but a lot can happen in a short amount of time. Dan and Phil won the Sony golden headphones award which is just crazy. There really out there now and I feel quite proud of them to be honest. They really deserve it. Going from filming with a black & white camera and filming in your parents house to being on national radio is huge. I'm really proud of them. Secondly, as one thing leads to another: I found out the boy I've known all my life is aware of the existence of Dan and Phil. I nearly had a heart attack when I found out. He's one of my best mates and I've always wanted to ask him if he knows who they are. Months ago he said something that Dan said in his video and I was really suspicious from that day on. And now I finally know. It's been to long kept in the dark. I'm so glad though, it still hasn't sunk in really. This is now all we will talk about. The amount of fangirling I did in that lesson when he told me...
Another thing is that my ex is in school but kept in the detention room all day, I think. I thought I saw him this morning before school started but I assume I'm going crazy. Either way my facial expression resembled a very annoyed person. I don't want him back.
Also, and I believe this is the last thing, I finally got my copy of 'Thirteen Reasons Why' by Jay Asher. I hope it's good I mean it is an international bestseller, so I'm hoping it's one of those 'change your life' books. I have hope in it.
And that's all really. Hope you're all having a lovely day and I'll see you guys tomorrow
Love,
Lulu ♥

Personal message me or comment below a name of a person and I'll tell you a story about a person I know with that name.
Lulu x
@demi-justin-fan-gryffindor-queen @the-only-light-we-see-xo @evielovestea @darcy-directioner @lauren-loves-youu @her-diamond-tears @stella-1d-lover @airunderneathmyfeet @renbat @leeyum-and-ash-anonxo
(Sorry for the tags, I never tag.) xx

It sounds mad but I can see my life changing right in front of my eyes right now. In the next day I'll find out whether my ex is staying in my school or moving to another. It's either i'll never see him again or see him nearly everyday for the next 2 years. I don't know which I prefer to be honest. I still can't really get my head around the fact that he might actually be leaving. Just like that. One day he's there trying to get me back and saying he'd rather be dead and the next in a new school and I never hear from him again. It's crazy . I've gone 5 days without him this past week and I liked it. It felt like I could be free and do what I want. Talk to who I want, stand wherever because he wouldn't be there. It's nice, I like it. But I don't think I will in the long-term. Tomorrow going to change my life right now. I find out if he's being moved tomorrow. It's mad and in all fairness I don't want tomorrow to ever come. Assuming the worst seems to work for now.
Also, I have to re-choose my gcse's for next year. And I'm stuck doing really bad subjects. Okay, Art's fine. It's one thing I can genuinely say I'm talented at and think I'll get an A. I'm also doing Graphics which should be alright. I've never done it before and again it's very creative so it should be okay. Then I was going to choose Geography as I'm top of class in it (Yes. I know. Shocking guys. Shocking.) but I can't as art and geography run at the SAME TIME. How bad is that? I really needed geography for my career and now It's ruined, practically. it sucks so I have to do Media instead. I really didn't want this. Like, this is my future and I needed it to be just fine. Where is Art, Graphics and Media going to get me. Nowhere.
Great. So that's my future job ruined. thanks school.
lots of love,
Lulu x

Hey Guys,
Well hasn't today been productive for me, not. I normally go shopping every Saturday bu today I figured I should just stay in because shopping gets a bit too much. I mean I did consider going to Westfield's but I only went last weekend so decided against it...Instead I stayed in and watched 5 episodes back to back of The Valleys and drew youtubers. And that's my life. I never thought I'd watch The Valleys (it's like Geordy Shore) but I hate to say that I kind of (really) like it. Sorry guys. Also today one of my sets got featured in Top Art Sets which is really amazing so thank you for that. I don't know how it works but I assume it's to do with the amount of likes a set has? I'm not sure but anyway, thank you all for that. I'm sort of dreading school, more than usual, on Monday. I think it's because on either that day or Tuesday I find out whether my ex is staying at the school or moving to another school across town. Sucks to be fair. I'm sort of nervous. I don't want him to leave if I'm being honest (I hate myself for saying this.) I don't have much else going on really. Hope you're all having a lovely day (while I'm sat on the internet and all my friends are having a house party and probably really, really drunk.) And I'm not.
Sigh.
But remember,
Lululovesyou xx

I found this quote in a really good fan fic with Dan and Phil in it and thought it was really true. Probably because it relates to me a lot right now. Also I gave my dad One Direction Love Hearts, I don't like love hearts, and he read them all out. Yeah, yeah that's not too bad but then he says 'I love nail.' Yes. Nail. I think the whole house just sighed one massive sigh. Niall, Dad, Niall.
Sorry. I don't really like one direction but that just...no. Just no.
I really can't be bothered to write tonight, sorry.
Lulu x

I remember the first day I started the year I'm in now. I guess a lot was different back then. Looking back I really didn't have a clue about, well, anything. We got to pick our subjects for this year too so I went with what I thought, and choose Construction. It is what it is, building pretty much. It sounds mad and to a lot of people is probably is. You know a girl doing Construction with a class of 30 boys. And it guess it is mad. Anyway, back to that day. There I was sitting in the class with 30 boys that I'd have to spend a whole year with. I hated it. I felt so out of place and that it wouldn't of mattered whether I was there or not. I felt so out of place and the worst part was that I could see the teacher and boys felt sorry for me. I don't like people feeling sorry for me to be honest. I think it's a bad thing. It took me forever to like that class. I was still the only girl, and still am. I'd walk into school on a cold morning in December and dread it. I felt so out of it all and just lonely really. At times, it was okay to be fair. I started talking to some of them and maybe, just maybe, I might of laughed once or twice. Then I got together with my ex in December and from then on, no one spoke to me. Our year doesn't really get along with the older years so I guess that's why. They especially didn't like him so yet again, I felt alone again. I'd get on with my work and ignore all the comments that were meant to be funny. 'Oh, did he give you that necklace?" "Hows the idiot?" "are you even still with him?" That got to me. I felt really stupid and as if I was missing out on something that they all knew about him that didn't. When we ended months after I felt very much in place. I felt accepted again and as though I could talk to everyone. I got along with everyone better and learnt that if one of them said something I'd say something back (Mostly, 'your mum' but that's not the point...) It got a lot better and I look forward to every construction class I have now. My best friend is also in that class too and it's even better because he's a boy. I can trust him and when I'm having a bad day him and his friends will practically look after me. I don't do it for attention and a lot of the time I don't want any. It's awkward and embarrassing and I feel like a girl who wants every boy to like her. I don't. I just have some of my best friends in that class and it's just nice now.
I'm saying this all because today in this class I was sat with everyone and I just felt so happy in that moment. I felt accepted and after a long time of trying to fit in, I felt happy with where I was in that class. I'm not continuing this class next year though as I think I would benefit better from Graphics but I really will miss it. And if there's one thing I would take away from this experience is to not give up when some great memories could be just around the corner.
Lulu <3 x

Hey Guys,
So recently I've been feeling a lot better about life in general. I'm most defiantly better than I was a week and a half ago. I just feel more positive. I don't really know, it's hard to explain. I think I got sick of being sad and tired so I gave up and tried to get better. It's worked, for now. I have better days at school like today. I got a piggie back off my best friend. Me and him are so close now compared to when I was with my ex. I think we both felt a bit awkward around each other seeing as we'd never seen each other be in a relationship and he didn't want to say or go near me in case he said something wrong. We flirt a lot without realizing/caring so that might have been why. I like that we do that though, it sounds mad but it's just funny really. I could never be in a relationship though, there's too much to lose for it. He's better as a friend too.
You can also tell I felt better today because I didn't wear a scrap of make-up for the first time in almost 3 years to school. How mad is that?! My skins got so much better in the past month (surprising as this has been the most stressful time in my life.) so I just thought, go for it. What do you have to lose? You're not in a relationship, your ex doesn't even go to school at the moment and if anyone says anything, it'll be most likely positive. And right now I need something positive. The nicest thing was that people noticed. I didn't get one bad comment and everyone said I looked better to be fair. My best friend wiped his finger on my face and was like 'She speaks the truth guys!' which made me smile. I felt very exposed though. I guess because normally everyone sees the girl with the make-up and hair and I'm not at all what I look like. I wear a face full of make-up, tie my hair up in a bun, have a bag I hold on my arm. I'm not that girl though or at least not always. I like being that girl, of course. That's who I am but It hits back when someone judges me of what I look like. That hurts. I know they know nothing better but still. Give it a chance. I felt better today though and I'm getting there. No one says anything to me anymore. I much prefer the stares to the words said. I still can't decide whether it's better he's not around. It's nice not having to worry but I still miss the feeling of him being in the same place as me. It sounds made but I find comfort in him being around. Maybe its because it stops me going crazy and reminds me that he did actually exist and all those memories were real too. I'm not sure. I like him being around, it's just nice.
But remember,
Lululovesyou x
'I deserve more than empty words and promises.'
Daft Punk - Get Lucky